Ash '03: For The Best

Buck worked to shake loose from the tight hold around his upper arm, steadfastly facing forward as he marched away from the small cabin he'd ridden to very early that morning.

Early so he could haver and argue with himself and change his mind before finally making himself knock on the door.

Rocky dirt shifted, throwing against his heels when the man trying to stop him dug in, slowing his determined exit. With a tight huff he spun, face set and angry. He was leaving, there was no changing his mind to that. He knew before today it'd have to come to this - knew the change that had come to their lives insisted on it. Even if Chris wouldn't.

The familiar tiger eyes were roiling with emotions, full of all the confusion, hurt and angered betrayal Buck was feeling. There was a desperate edge to the gaze as well, that emotion showing in traces all down the lean, corded frame holding him in check. Buck shook his head, not wanting to speak, give away the uncertainty he was feeling.

Instead of yelling or demanding - or the heartbreaking hurt confusion that had been experienced in the cabin when he'd jovially announced his moving on - the man so close to him acted. In ways Buck always found impossible to deny.

The hand around his arm loosened enough to trail further up, cupping around his neck, drawing him close. The other hand tangled in his hair, then those full, demanding lips were pressing to his own, a knowing, intimate invader that knew all his weaknesses. All his wants. Shared his desire.

At first Buck capitulated to the assault, eyes closing with a deep groan at the textured tongue that rasped over his own, their mouths open, bodies hungry in instant response. His own arms captured his lover, opening to drag tighter, flushing them full against one another. On he kissed, losing himself in the man - the familiar, beloved taste; the thrill of the man's hardness, everything so wonderfully hard, churning against him; the soft skin and silky hair that he could caress above the collar of the light blue checkered work shirt.

Minutes fled by; Buck standing, enduring the kiss, needing the kiss. Minutes where he screamed at himself to break away and leave. Minutes where he tried to dedicate himself fully to the kiss, to remembering everything about it so he could call upon it later. Later when he'd gone, when he was alone.

Finally he shifted, eluding the lips that would have closed right back over his own, dragging his hands around the muscled chest to press firm, palms flat. He shook his head, Chris' ragged breathing barely audible over his own labored draughts of the cool afternoon air.

Buck closed his eyes, feeling the life and the essence of the man he still needed and wanted so badly as it pulsed under his hands - the unsteady heart beating so rapidly in response to their kiss, the deep pull of air, twitches of muscle skittering across the slightly swaying form.

His blue eyes opened, part of him regretting doing so. Chris' lips were darker in color and swollen, face flushed, eyes flashing and bright with passion. Buck set his jaw, resolutely ignoring just how damned beautiful the man was.

He shook his head. "No, Chris. No," he said again, his voice a bare whisper. It wasn't even with sound, his admonishment, much less full of the conviction he so needed right now. Buck wanted to move away but couldn't. Instead he let his hands drop, clenching them in tighter and tighter fists as he denied and denied again the pleading eyes, the wanting body, the asking heart staring accusingly at him.

Chris' eyes made him feel laid bare. The harsh, rasping voice was further agony.

"You ain't leaving. I've told you that already. I don't want you to. You don't have..."

Buck's hand jerked right back up, moving so his thumb would still Chris' lips. He sighed, voice breaking when he quietly spoke again.

"Chris... please. Let me have this. It's all I've got."

The hazel eyes glared. They burned at him, angry and just as hurt as he. The taller man shook his head slowly, smiling, the gesture fragile, sad.

"It ain't because of you. It's for you."

Chris' eyes closed to him then, a deep sigh tickling over where his thumb kept the luscious mouth from moving. They stood in silence, the quiet acknowledging what they both knew. This was the end.

Buck slid his thumb down to cup under the proud chin. He tilted Chris' head back, lowering close for a last kiss. One more taste - one more moment where he could shut his eyes and pretend that they would only ever be in one another. The kiss was bittersweet and gentle, Buck not even opening his mouth for more, just laying his lips against Chris'. When he drew away again Chris let him go.

He took two paces backwards, blue eyes quietly mourning, rivaling the calm acceptance he'd harbored ever since they'd seen Sarah - ever since he'd seen Chris' reaction to the fair doe. Buck tilted his head, pointing back towards the cabin.

"You go and get her now, Chris. Make that sweet flower yours." He paused briefly, but couldn't stop himself from adding, "Then the two of you bring someone into this world that can right all three of us..."

At this Chris started, the fight to have him stay once again vibrating through the strong body. He could hear the arguments, but he knew it couldn't be. Buck held up both hands, palms facing those intense hazel eyes.

"I'll come back for the wedding. I swear it." His voice was a fierce vow, blue eyes promising with icy fire. He'd come back and might stay. This blinding, almost debilitating pain would pass. He was honest enough to admit he'd want Chris as a friend again, could have just that if 'just that' was all he'd be allowed ever more. But for now it was best he leave.

Chris took a step towards him. "You can stay. You don't even have..."

He shook his head, slicing his hand through the air. He didn't want to get angry. Didn't want this to end with them yelling - them both demanding and he still not able to sacrifice all Chris was wanting from him... have Chris sacrifice all that was yearned for that could be gained from a 'normal' life. Buck shook his head again.

"You know I do." He sighed, his voice softening. "I'm not blaming anyone. I don't hate you for what's happened. But what you think might work never will. You want kids and a home; want the quiet and peace of raising a solid family. I never have. You don't need me in the middle of that gumming things up."

He laughed, the sound brittle even to his ears. He choked back the rest of the rasping bark. "Hell... I never thought for a second that after that moonless, horny night when we said 'why not' and figured out what we'd never done before would turn into two years of wanting only each other." He shrugged, clawing at a way to lighten the moment. He was on the verge of admitting much more than was wise for a farewell. "For a while we wanted each other. Now it's time to find something else."

That part was a lie. They still wanted each other. Probably always would. But it wouldn't help anything to voice that reality. This was getting near impossible as it was. Chris didn't correct him even though he saw the adamant denial spike into the hazel orbs. It was a sure sign Chris had accepted what Buck was offering. A sure sign he was right in thinking it was the best way.

He distanced himself again, taking another step backwards. "I'm making the decision for you Chris. It's not fair to you, making you feel every moment is a betrayal when it isn't - even while you're struggling to get us all... together. This way you don't have to choose."

Buck closed his eyes. He didn't want to see any more of what Chris was silently telling him. That Chris had never intended to choose - that his friend would fight to have them both and have both know it and have it all work out somehow. That this wasn't fair to him either, his feeling he had to leave, gifting his lover to a bride he swore would always be protected with ignorance. She didn't need the guilt, remorse or the doubt from the revelation.

A small fool part of him still wanted to stay. Wanted to stand in the doorway and have Chris announce what had been whispered to him after their urgent, sweaty bout of lovemaking last night. To offer to Sarah both of them... to live as one. He hadn't even permitted his desperately hopeful imagination to ponder on that, just closed up then and there, determined in the knowledge he had to leave. No one started a marriage that way. No one. And he wasn't about to end Chris' dream of it before it even had a chance to get started. He loved the man too much for that. Had come to love Sarah too much for that too.

Three more steps backward and he finally opened his eyes. "I'll be back old dog. You can believe that."

Chris nodded slowly, hazel eyes hard, blinking rapidly and tight over unshed tears.

He just smiled and kept prattling on. "Maybe one day we'll figure something new out. We've always been good friends..."

"The best." came the soft reply, a trace defiant, wholly sincere.

It almost stopped him cold. Almost sent him rushing back into the strong embrace. Almost had him begging for kisses and to be taken right there. Almost had him believing it could happen.

Almost.

"Yeah," he settled on instead. It wasn't nearly enough, but it would have to do.

"Come back Buck."

It was an order. A near plea to do as he'd fervently wished a second ago. It was the knowledge that despite it all Chris still wanted him, still needed him as badly as he did the Chris. He nodded.

"You know I will. Already promised I would."

The hazel eyes sharpened. "You've never lied to me before. Start now and I'm hunting you down. Get me?"

A tongue lifted out to lick lips. Buck could see his friend wrestling with something. Two shallow breaths were taken in then the broad shoulders squared, the man's mind made up.

Chris nodded sharply, continuing. "You just remember whose decision this was. Remember that I wanted you to stay... that I'm understanding and more grateful than words that you're stronger than me and can leave."

The hazels implored him then, melting and searching him as they took in the whole of him in long, exacting study. When they met his waiting gaze again Chris spoke, voice gentle this time. The words were what he desperately needed to hear - what he desperately needed not to know.

"We can figure it out someday. A way to be a family without you being far away."

Buck nodded, speechless. He heard the implicit 'I want that. I need that.' Heard it answered in his own soul. Knew he was being commanded to come back so it could happen, some way. A glimmer sparked then - pictures and visions of he and Chris settled and okay with themselves, together and presiding over a family of sorts. He had no idea what it meant, no idea if it was just a wild delusion or could really be true. But he prayed fervently it would be. Three more self-preservating steps back and he was stopped, the world lurching crazily under his feet.

"I love you."

His chest tightened, throat constricting around what felt like his heart. Buck swallowed it back down, working to get control of himself, breathing jaggedly to fill his aching lungs. His head bobbed up and down in uncoordinated jerks, a lone tear escaping his watery gaze despite his best efforts. That was the first time he'd heard it aloud.

He'd seen it in the fierce hazel eyes when Chris laid under him, moaning and thrusting wantonly up into him as he filled the tight heat of his lover.

He'd felt it in the fullness completing him when they'd roll over, Chris surging into him in turn, possessive mouth and fiery hands laying siege to his very being.

He'd known it in the tender ways Chris had treated him. Tenderness he'd never had from a lover. Soft caresses just for the joy of being able to touch him; soft kisses just because Chris swore kissing him was so good; soft sleeping together when he was too weary for any more, Chris vowing steadily it was enough.

Buck fought against saying it back. If he did then maybe the frantic longing he saw in the hazel eyes almost like a bewitching siren song would lure him back, close enough for him not to escape as he knew he had to.

This was for the best.

One last long look at the Chris was all he granted himself. A look with all he wanted and needed and felt ripe for the taking, surfaced for the knowing. But he didn't dare say it.

He nodded sharply then turned away, striding purposefully to where he'd tethered Lady before marching into the cabin to say goodbye. He felt the hazel eyes on him the whole time. Knew he was being watched as he straightened his belongings and mounted up. His jaw ached so bad he thought it'd never pry apart again, his hands angry fists curled so tight his nails were biting into his palms. But he wouldn't look back. He wouldn't meet the eyes, still begging he change his mind. This was for the best.

He kicked Lady's flanks and they were off, cantering hard to get away from there, bundles of dust left in their wake to filter through the dying evening light. He clenched his eyes shut, willing back the threatening tears, sucking in long breaths of the cooling air. Even when he was almost out of range of the cabin he felt those knowing eyes at his back, felt the conflicted glare piercing him as he rode out of sight - out of the tangle that would have been their lives if he'd stayed.

This was for the best.

End