Elder '03: Entertaining At Home

Today wasn't what I expected, but I can't pin down why. I guess I built it up into this great event and I feel let down. Moving in together should be …should be what? I don't know, I've never done it before. You can't count JD moving in with me, because we hardly knew each other and he was definitely my guest, to start with that is. He was so young, twenty-one, that’s all he was - just twenty-one and yet he'd lived a whole lifetime already. Been to school, been a cop, lost his mom - his only family. He needed a roof over his head; he needed some place to call home, a place to retreat to. It was meant to be temporary but somehow he's been there nearly three years now. People say we are like brothers and they're not far from the truth - we think, since neither of us have a brother, or indeed any siblings - but it feels like family.

I don't feel like Ezra's brother. Ezra is something else all together, something more intense, more …more …oh hell I don't know, just more. It isn't like I haven't lived here before, I lived here for three weeks after I got out of the hospital, but then I was sick and hurting, I was the guest, he took care of me. When we make love, I am the one who takes care of him. He likes that, he wants it and I think needs it. Which is fine by me, because I love to take care of him, I love to see that look of bliss on his face, I love to feel his body respond to me, to my touch, my body. But almost as much I love this, laying in bed together, Ezra in my arms. He often pulls himself into a tight defensive ball as he sleeps; it makes my heart ache to think of the life he has led. But when I pull him into my arms he relaxes and that is worth anything.

JD and me had most of my stuff packed last week, and it wasn't like I was taking any big furniture. There was no question of us moving into my place. The CDC - it's funny I used to hate it when they guys called it that, but now I use it all the time - any way it's too small for two. Yeah I know me and JD have been living there for ages, but his room is tiny. When things with Casey got serious he got a double bed. The damn thing damn near fills up the whole room. No way could Ezra live there, I always knew that.

I had thought of suggesting we get a new place, a fresh start. But it would be pointless because this place, Ezra's place, it's perfect. It's on the first floor, there are two bedrooms, both have their own bathroom. This room, the master bedroom, is huge. The apartment was originally built to be a family home, and had three bedrooms, somewhere along the line, three became two, hence the size. There is a yard, Ezra has had it landscaped, that's what he tells me anyway, there are fancy paving stones and plants in pots. I have no idea what they are, he has a company come in once a week and look after it, but I admit it looks real good, and it smells great. At the end of the yard is the garage and a carport. There's a small room between the garage and the bedroom, which is set up as a gym. At the front is the living room and a dining area. The kitchen is in the middle, between the bedrooms and the living area. I mean what more do we need, it's perfect, and Ezra owns it, no mortgage. I'm still getting used to the idea that my lover is rich. I mean we always knew Ezra had money, but now I know he's really rich. He keeps telling me that he's only - what does he say? Oh yes - 'comfortably financially secure'. But if you grew up in motels and trailer parks 'comfortably secure' equals major money! The first time the cleaning and laundry service arrived I pulled a gun on the poor guy! It isn't that my clothes are in the guestroom, not in here, God knows there isn't any room in here. Damn Ezra has more clothes than the men's department at J C Penney, not that he'd be caught dead in a branch of J C Penney, he can't need them all. Anyway it would be dumb to have him split them, he'd have to keep running back and forth to the other room in the morning, it's hard enough to get him into work on time as it is.

It's not that Ezra has more money than I do, for most of my life almost everyone had more money than me, so that doesn’t bother me. I guess what I was hoping was that today I would not longer be a guest, this would become 'our place' not 'Ezra's place' were I live. It's not Ezra's fault, he's just doing his best, it's the way that woman raised him, manners and appearances are more important than feelings - damn woman! I'm being petty I know, stupid and childish and petty. I had this day all built up in my head, imagined how it would be and when it doesn't go as planned I get - what is that word Ezra likes to use, oh yes - petulant. The only thing that matters is that we are together. Our friends know about us, and they're cool with it - well except Chris, and he'll be okay when he realises why his dick gets tight every time Vin walks past him. Damn that man is stubborn. But until that happens, he's not a happy bunny, but that said he won't cause trouble, not with the ATF. So life is about as perfect as it can get, and - well Ezra will lighten up and we'll work it out, somehow.

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Yes Buck, hold me tight, keep me in your arms forever. I wonder, do you know how much I love you, do you know how much I need you. God I do hope so, because after today's fiasco I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to walk out on me. Oh Mother what have you done to your son? There I was, being the perfect host, offering gracious hospitality - why? You don't entertain someone in their own home.

I banished his clothes to the guestroom for God's sake! Well I can move half of mine in there to make room for him, no doubt my wardrobe needs to be cleared out a bit anyway. I put his pictures to one side and said something like 'we'll find some place for those later'. I mean what kind of man am I? I've seen them they're not bad. The film poster of the Magnificent Seven is most appropriate and will look wonderful in the front hall; I've been looking for a big picture for that large wall for some time. The photographs, the ones of the mountains and the desert are really very good. Oh my God! Oh no! Those pictures, the photographs, I remember now, Chris told me once that Buck had a head start becoming a surveillance specialist, because he was already good photographer, when he had the time. Damn, I bet he took those pictures himself.

Oh Ezra P Standish, what have you done? Well I will make it right, tomorrow I - no we - will rearrange all the pictures and there will be an equal number of his and mine - they will be our pictures. It is true that hideous collection of things he calls CD storage will have to go, but it can stay until we find an acceptable replacement, perhaps something big enough for both our collections. Our taste in music is somewhat different, but that is why God and the Japanese invented personal music players and headphones. And the plates; until today I didn't notice how uncomfortable he is with the Royal Doulton. I suppose he has a point; in this day and age what use is a dinner service you can't put in the dishwasher or the microwave? I, no - damn it - we will buy something more …flexible and durable.

We are different people, we have different outlooks, had different upbringings, different life experiences. I used to think I kept things close to my chest, but compared to my lover I am a mere amateur. He knows almost everything there is to know about me, everything of importance, but I'm still learning about him.

Yes Buck, my Beloved, hold me close, keep me safe, tomorrow we will start again, tomorrow I will get it right.

The End